Kashimba village in Luiwa - Western Province, Zambia

There are many ways to win an election in Zambia, but there are even greater ways to lose. I had the exclusive privilege of finding out the latter during my attempts in the race to Manda Hill (Parliament) as we call it in Zambia. Should you wish to endeavour, the following techniques will help you gain this exclusive membership.There are many ways to win an election in Zambia, but there are even greater ways to lose. I had the exclusive privilege of finding out the latter during my attempts in the race to Manda Hill (Parliament) as we call it in Zambia. Should you wish to endeavour, the following techniques will help you gain this exclusive membership.

1. Use all your personal savings.

Don’t use your personal savings, don’t mortgage your house, and most definitely do not use the children’s educational funds! I am very grateful my husband did not allow me to learn the hard way. His no always came before I could ask. “Stick to budget”, he would declare. I didn’t. Secretly, my personal savings came into the line of fire. I only stopped when Lloyds Bank blocked my card because they thought my credit cards had been stolen. Thank goodness for customer service and how luckily, I wasn’t roaming, rendering me unable to receive the call that would have confirmed it was indeed me that had massacred my savings.

2. Believe the village headman’s assurances of victory

Their assurances unfortunately, were not exclusive to me.

3. Encourage back to school programs for young mothers.

This message wasn’t always as welcome as the opportunity to take a photo. It was a challenge to introduce a different outcome to a deep-rooted belief system that girls in the rural areas did not pursue secondary or tertiary education as being married and having children was deemed to be a successful end goal for most of their parents. However, the poverty levels played a huge role in this mindset.

And for boys:

Four little boys herding a 100+ cattle. They grow into courageous responsible men. So how can we reduce the disconnect between formal education and cultural upbringing? I thought most parents lied about the… I walked 20km to get to school every morning.. but these little boys will be telling the truth when they stand in parliament and share their story of herding 100+ cattle as a little boy. I was there. I saw it. It will be true. Boys seemed to be allowed to dream a little more than girls.

4. Advocate for further gender equality.

All the men and the Kings’ horses, huffed and puffed until the blew the campaign down. The line had been drawn. Both boys and girls have the right to dream.

5. Follow the praise singers.

And their choir.

Lovely songs sung in vernacular all with my name in them. How wonderful I was, how I was the one they had been waiting for. I smiled and my heart could almost burst with joy. Paid my token of gratitude and left for the next stop. Unknown to me, the praise singers quickly took off all the party regalia in exchange for the next party candidate and sang the exact same song and replaced my name with his.

6. Speak using the Queen's English to the local community.

On a positive note, I left the campaign with fluent Lozi. My mother tongue which I thought was well advanced, that is until I realised the inadequacy of my vocabulary upon addressing a meeting. I am well served for my future trips back to Liuwa.

7. Share developmental ideas.

Build a bridge across the Luanginga river. It’s important to prioritise the constituents needs against your desires. Build a bridge? I might as well have been dancing along the Yellow Brick Road.

8. Follow the official electoral timetable.

Beyond providing it for the electoral commission, this serves absolutely no purpose. Disclaimer: this is my personal opinion.

9. Ignore previous voting patterns and demographic party affiliations.

There are many examples of the one-off win when the electorates vote for the person and not the party. However, when your party or party leader is beyond redemption, you and the party become one. Just ask the Conservative Party.

10. Introduce your Caucasian nephew during canvassing.

I invited my husband’s nephew, Nico Lethbridge, who wonderfully agreed to document my campaign journey. Perhaps, I should have taken note of my campaign manager’s body language even as he stood at my maternal grandmothers resting place, where we had gone to pay our respects. Nico, tall, long hippy like hair, quickly became the centre of attraction. The kids wanted to touch his hair, the elderly were suspicious of his presence and the single girls giggled and twirled as they tried to catch his attention. The opposing camp had a hilarious own version of the ‘white’ boy’s presence. Being with Nico was bittersweet. Lovely to have our sunset evening talks about life in Oxfordshire and so sad because it made me miss my family terribly. It was a short-lived trip.

11. Disregard all safety precautions and enjoy local transportation on the mighty Zambezi River.

WARNING: Do not try this at home.

Local transportation via dug-out canoes, with all the hippos and crocodiles in the Zambezi River, life jackets do not help you. It was here that I understood the meaning of God’s grace.

12. Ensure to explain your inability to immediately meet individual constituents’ requests for assistance.

How can your heart not break when you cannot immediately do anything to tackle requests long-term. You try to explain the reason for your canvassing for their vote, to be able to represent them in parliament where more people will be helped? For the mother whose baby is ill today, your response seems unreasonable and she somewhat rightfully resents you. Another candidate with empty promises. With my seeming lack of empathy, my aspirations for the future I would have liked to propose in parliament might as well have been in Lala Land.

13. You must learn to have fun (or lose your mind)

Heating water for my bath and passing the time by braiding my hair before it fell out and provided the much needed local entertainment

They had fun at my expense ( I didn’t mind).

Glad when it was grandmas turn to provide the local entertainment ( I definitely didn’t mind).

And voila! Ready for my bath. Halfway through the campaign I had stopped fussing about the colour of the water and was just thankful that there was water. I then added some creature comforts from home and found a better secluded spot for my bucket baths.

Don’t try too hard to fit in. If you are canvassing in a rural area, you can only propose to improve  upon things that you have experienced authentically.

14. Use the wrong car in the right terrain.

Just when I began to enjoy the natural habitat, mother nature reminded me of the authority she has over man, because a few hours later…..

…..was the beginning of the end of the campaign. Both vehicle and candidate didn’t stand a chance after that. It didn’t stop the others from being optimistic and even in a difficult situation, their spirits were high. So, with this spirit filled determination we tried a different vehicle that was supposedly stronger than the first,….

But alas, wrong car, right terrain. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Liuwa, situated in the great Barotse plains. It was a great lesson for me. I discovered that people in the rural areas don’t stress over little things as much as urbanites. I am still not entirely sure why, but after the loss, I became a happier person. Yes, most of my hair had fallen out and my prosthesis which at this point had been waterlogged, made a funny squeaky noise as I walked and, not even that, could take away my sunshine!

15. Improvise

Some things you simply do not have time to explain such as preferring to lose an election rather than to burn at the stakes accused of witchcraft, had I dared to remove my drenched prosthesis when the vehicle I was in got stuck in the swamp. Or, maybe, how my Caucasian nephew is in fact not (!) a witch, as an opposing camp had gleefully suggested. Sooner than we had planned, Nico found himself bungy jumping in Livingstone.

Finally

After you have followed all the guidelines; you will be certain of a victorious loss. Your heart will break, you will remain in disbelief for days and weeks after the electoral announcement. On some nights, devoid of all understanding, it will be easier to catch up on all your Netflix series and other nights when you’re sure the household is asleep, you will awake and have quiet monologues as you rewind the process of trying to figure out what went wrong and what you could have done differently. Happiness, I found, comes from gratitude. To be thankful for the smallest things in life, to never take life and health for granted. There was so much growth and a powerful sense of belonging to a place I reconnected with.

 

So, although I lost, the constituents did not. They always make the right decision for themselves, know best and voted in the favoured candidate (hopefully by now it is clear: it wasn’t me). Through the experience I gained a full appreciation of our culture, our people, and our land. Beyond my political aspiration, Liuwa will continue to hold a special place in my heart. It is my home.